As the builder of retirement homes in holes, I have heard you may have an interest in dying in one of our properties.

As has been noted, it is only possible to enter our properties by crawling in, thereby making sure that you are inaccessible to those who love you (except, of course, for middle schoolers doing fundraisers who, because of their smaller stature and increased flexibility, evade our security measures).

You might also be interested in our "idiot who cant draw" (IWCD) condominium properties, built on the top of graveyards. As it turns out, while the area underground in cemeteries is amazingly expensive per acre, the area above ground in these same area is surprisingly cheap, making for excellent development possibilities.

IWCD properties provide for lovely vacation homes or retirement domiciles, especially for the claustrophobic who do not wish to crawl into one of our other retirement centers.

Please note that we require our retirees, after their death, to be buried alone. Mass graves require permits from the local authorities and are generally not cost-effective.

Local provisions also require us to mark any unmarked graves, though we do attempt to refrain from the use of capital letters or punctuation.

If you'd like more information, please be sure to contact me for a complete prospectus.

***

Dear Sir/Madam,
I received your email several days ago and I would like to express my interest in your offer.

I believe that you should fire or have a stern word to your member of staff who emailed the initially advertisement to me. He was rude and I do not appreciate his lack of punctuation and because of this he almost lost my interest in your company. Lucky you emailed me and my interest has been reinstated.

I am delighted to hear that my heard of senile pigs, I mean, loved ones cannot visit me in the retirement home, however I am not happy with the prospect of the fundraising middle schoolers having access to the facility. I would like to apply for one of your properties; I am especially interested in applying for IWCD.

I am assuming that I would begin by living in the condominium and then being moved to the retirement home and then buried underneath the condominium that I rented. Could please provide send me a prospectus as soon as possible.

If needed I can provide you with references.

Regards,
Amy Van Den Berg


***

Dear Ms. Van Den Berg,

Your business is important to us. Your complaint will be handled in as expeditious a manner as possible, given the parameters of our current operating paradigm.

We sincerely apologize for our initial contact with you. It has come to our attention that our database of potential customers has been compromised by a group of fundraising middle schoolers known as ihavenolife. Our security staff has tracked down these children and told their parents about them.

Our security systems have been upgraded, even further protecting the privacy of our clients and potential clients.

We thank you for your interest, and look forward to housing, warehousing, and burying you in the future.

Regards,

IWCD Industries


***

Dear Sir/madam,

I am very pleased with your companies’ response to my concerns.

Would you be able to forward me the application forms for one of your properties?

Regards,

Amy Van Den Berg.


***

Dear Margerie,
I have come across a delightful new company, I believe that you may be interested in. IWCD Industries, they offer condos, burial and a retirement home where no one can visit you,  ‘...Ahh the serenity.’ I have applied for all three offers. If you like I can forward you the emails so that you can see what they are all about.

The company seems to have some flaws but they assure me that they are promptly being taken care of. They have had a problem with hoolagans from the I.H.N.L club.
I have heard of the I.H.N.L club before. In fact I do believe that they were on the news a few ago for a similar fiasco. I know you have a keen eye for the news. Did you happen to catch that story?

How are you going with working out the internet? I understand that you have had some problems. I myself have only figured out how to use e-mail. As for everything else I am at a loss.

I hope you are well,
Lots of Love,
Amy


***

Dear Ms. Van Den Berg:

Thank you very much for your interest in IWCD. Please find attached our simple application form. We are committed to your privacy, so please know that we won't share your personal information with anyone we don't like.

Sales Director
IWCD Industries

============
IWCD: We Pretend to Care

Your Current Net Worth:
Your Projected Net Worth in 2010:

Name:
Address:
Phone:
E-mail:
Where you hang out:
Clubs you can get us into:

To ensure that you are not a middle school boy, please answer the following question:

What is this: 0 0
a) two zeros
b) my present worth and prospect for future earnings
c) a low-resolution picture of some hot babe's chest.

IWCD has a large amount of money we're trying to get out of Nigeria. Please enter your bank account number and a rather substantial finder's fee will be yours:

Since our condominiums are located just over graveyards, some of our residents, particularly on the lower floors, have noticed some minor ectoplasmic disturbances, including but not limited to bleeding walls, ghastly moans, and incitement to repeated homicides using garden tools. As such, we must ask: Have you ever written Latin words in your own blood on the walls of your present home?

Occasionally, the ectoplasmic incidents result in human and/or animal sacrifices. Do you have any pets?

Our secluded under-your-own-grave retirement apartments (where your loved ones will never find you) are one of our most popular features. Are you currently related to or love someone there? (If so, then we must refuse your application. No telling how long the old farts will take to keel over.)

Please list the names, phone numbers, addresses, social security numbers, credit card numbers and bank account information of everyone who knows you, for use as character references (yeah, character references, that's it):
(Use separate pages if necessary.)

Referrals: Please list the names and phone numbers of at least three people who you want to hate you. We'll contact each one fifteen times on the phone at dinner time and 2AM. If any of them don't take any legal action, you'll be entitled to a free Snickers bar in 2010.


IWCD is honored to receive your application. Please realize that making false statements will result in severe penalties. We'd tell you what they were, but we get better results when we just let people imagine what we're capable of.


Amy opened and official looking envelope and unfolded the letter. She looked down at the letter, delighted that it had finally arrived. She ran a hand through her slowly greying shoulder length hair. She picked up a pen as she read the first few lines

‘Dear Ms. Van Den Berg:

Thank you very much for your interest in IWCD. Please find attached our simple application form. We are committed to your privacy, so please know that we won't share your personal information with anyone we don't like.

Sales Director
IWCD Industries’

She flipped over to the next page receiving a minor paper cut as she did so; she ignored the stinging and not really paying attention she read the first line ‘IWCD: We Pretend to Care’ She frowned slightly as she read the first requirement which was asking for her current net worth. The last time she had checked the co- amount of her several accounts it had reached a million dollars. But she was not stupid enough to write this. Instead she decided on a figure in an account that was seldom used. She wrote each figure clearly on the paper, 25,000.

She cast her eyes to the next question, ‘Your Projected Net Worth in 2010:’ Seeing that it was already 2008 she did not expect the level in that account to raise by much. She estimated another five grand. She wrote the figure and took a sip of her luke warm coffee.

The next question was the usual of any form, name address, phone, e-mail. She moved the paper up a little. ‘Where you hang out?’ “I’m 64 not 16 I don’t really ‘hang out’ anywhere.” She said to herself after reading the teenage jargon. Slowly she wrote, ‘at home or ’She thought for a moment. Where did she go? It then dawned on her that she had not left the house in the past month except to go grocery shopping. She crossed out the word or and moved one to the next question.

“Clubs you can get us into:” “Stamp collectors International club and guilty conscience anonymous.” she wrote the statement and read the next question. “To ensure that you are not a middle school boy, please answer the following question:

What is this: 0 0
a) two zeros
b) my present worth and prospect for future earnings
c) a low-resolution picture of some hot babe's chest.”

The answer was clearly two zeros so she promptly circled A. She moved the paper up again a gust of wind came through the open window and weighted it down with her hand. She read the next question carefully. “IWCD has a large amount of money we're trying to get out of Nigeria. Please enter your bank account number and a rather substantial finder's fee will be yours:” With an evil grin of satisfaction she wrote down her husband account number. If there was any money out into the account she could simply with draw and spend it, and if her husband’s account was wiped clean by this company she would not loose anything and see it for the scam it was. Also being good friends with several members of a spectacular legal team and the bank manger would help a lot if anything bad came from signing the form.

She read the next paragraph with amusement “Since our condominiums are located just over graveyards, some of our residents, particularly on the lower floors, have noticed some minor ectoplasmic disturbances, including but not limited to bleeding walls, ghastly moans, and incitement to repeated homicides using garden tools. As such, we must ask: Have you ever written Latin words in your own blood on the walls of your present home?”

Of course she had, I mean, who hadn’t and nothing that they had mentioned would bother her because she had had her fair share of supernatural experiences. She answered the question with “Yes but nothing came of it.” A yawn made her eyes water and blurred the next question for a moment. This question followed on to “Occasionally, the ectoplasmic incidents result in human and/or animal sacrifices. Do you have any pets?” which provoked the answer yes, 6 cats.

She read quickly on. “Our secluded under-your-own-grave retirement apartments (where your loved ones will never find you) are one of our most popular features. Are you currently related to or love someone there? (If so, then we must refuse your application. No telling how long the old farts will take to keel over.)” ‘ I am currently married but have no other close friends or ralatives. His death, near future.’

Amy then wrote the name of three equanetcnces in repsones to the next question. “
Referrals: Please list the names and phone numbers of at least three people who you want to hate you. We'll contact each one fifteen times on the phone at dinner time and 2AM. If any of them don't take any legal action, you'll be entitled to a free Snickers bar in 2010.”

She arched her eyebrows slightly at the next question. But it didn’t bother her. In the past she had been able to slip out of almost anything. (“IWCD is honored to receive your application. Please realize that making false statements will result in severe penalties. We'd tell you what they were, but we get better results when we just let people imagine what we're capable of.&#x201D
She singed the bottom of the page with a flourish.


***

Dear Mrs. Van Den Berg,

First, please accept our apology for certain questions on your application. It appears that we have not fully recovered from the earlier security breach. Questions such as "where do you hang out", "clubs you can get us into" and the bit about the Nigerian businessman weren't on the original form, and your answers have not been retained officially. (As an aside, however, due to the nature of our organization, you may be pleased to know that we host the largest chapter of Guilty Consciences Anonymous in the nation.)

That said, it is my feigned pleasure to inform you that your application has been accepted, pending a vacancy and the imminent death of your husband.

As it happens, we are expecting a number of fine apartments to become available in the very near future. One of the tenants in our above-the-dead-and-dying condominiums (Room 113) has begun receiving an unusually large number of shipments from BigCleaversForTheInsane.com, and her neighbors are beginning to complain of foul odors, loud Latin chanting, inexplicable air conditioning/heating problems, and missing pets. The last time this happened in Room 113, we had openings in Rooms 110-125 within two weeks, though we had to temporarily move the tenant in Room 213 down to Room 125 while we repaired the damage to his floors. So expect to hear from us soon!

We are excited to hear that you have six pet cats. I believe you will find that they will certainly enjoy most of their lives in our little community.

So to summarize, once your husband has been dispatched (please contact our customer service department should you need help in this regard), and a vacancy has opened up, we will complete our investigation and, it is sincerely hoped, welcome you into our exclusive association.

With believable sincerity,

IWCD


***


Amy read the letter with a smile, she was very happy indeed that her application had been accepted. She then dialed the number of the customer service department. The line crackled and someone answered. "Hello, I need to talk to someone about my husband..."

A recorded voice interrupted her: "Your call is important to us. If you are using a touch-tone phone, please press

1, for billing inquiries

2, for prices and availability

3, for reports of criminal insanity or demon possession

4, for spouse dispatch services

5, to repeat these options

If you are not using a touch-tone phone, we're glad you liked the 1970s. Please call again once you ditch the 8-track tape player and join the rest of us in the 21st century.

If you are calling to complain, please hang up and call again."

Amy pressed ‘4.’

The recorded voice continued: "You have selected spouse dispatch.

If you'd like to do the job yourself, please press 1.

If you'd like to have on of our trained staff take care of this for you, please press 2.

If you'd like to perform this task together with one of our staff, press 3.

To return to the main menu, press 4."

Amy thought for a moment before pressing 2. She wanted him gone but she did not want to see it happen. Say waited for the automatic voice to respond again.

"You have selected (2) automatic spousal disposal service.

Please rest assured that our crack team of customer care representatives will be ridding you of your spousal problem in 7 to 10 days. Please ensure that any insurance premiums are up-to-date and any other final affairs of your soon-to-be dearly departed are in order. If you require additional time to finalize these finalities, please press 1 now. If not, please hang up and do not call again until you are widowed or widowered. Try to act surprised when it happens. Thank you for calling IWCT Customer Service."

Amy hung up the phone and for a second felt a slight twinge of remorse, but it passed so quickly she was not sure that she had felt it.

After eight days, Amy discovered the light blinking on her answering machine. It was late afternoon, but her husband was nowhere to be found. She prepared to sound shocked and bereaved as she answered the phone.

"Ms. Van Den Berg," the surprisingly young-sounding voice announced. "You're husband is dead."

Amy began to sob gently. "Oh, no," she whispered, hoping it was convincing.

"And you've been a naughty girl too," the voice on the phone continued. "A net worth of $25,000? It appears you lied on your application, Ms. Van Den Berg."

White gas suddenly filled the apartment and Amy fell to the ground.

The next she knew, she was lying on a stone table, tied hand and foot, looking into the face of a 13-year-old boy. "It seems you were less than generous with our most recent middle school fundraiser," he said. "Welcome to IWCT Room 113. Please excuse the Latin phrases written in blood on the wall. We'll begin cleaning and remodeling shortly after the sacrifice is completed."

The boy turned and left the room, curtly saying over his shoulder, "It has been a pleasure corresponding with you, Ms. Van Buren."

In moments, a bedraggled woman entered, a frenzied expression on her face. She carried a large meat cleaver.

Amy looked at her. "Helga?" she asked, "Is that you? It's been ages!" Said Amy, her face lighting up.
“Natasha you are as insane as ever! What have you done with the rest of the money? Where is my share of the money?!” Helga shrieked at the woman who had become known as Amy.
“I followed our plan! I applied for the condo and I acted like I wanted it by sending a letter to Margerie!” Said Natasha looking at Helga with a very hurt expression like she had been emotionally stabbed. Then she added in an undertone; “Never mind that she is really a shrunken head.”Natasha only just manged to look at the ornament which was covered in dust and sat in the corner on a small rickety stool. “But the authories were never to know that.”
“Yes you have made cover story, but you made so many mistakes!” Helga said brandishing the knife.
“No I didn’t! I covered my tracks really well!” Natasha said with a smile pleaded with her self.
“I cleaned up your mess Van Buren! There were so many ear misses, so many timey that they almost found out what you were up to!” Helga almost yelled, but a dirty look from the thirteen year old boy stopped her.
“Someone might be listening outside!” Whispered the boy angrily.
Natasha ignored the boy and replied to Helga with a delighted smile.“Almost being the operative word.” Helga narrowed her eyes and took several steps closer to Natsha’s stone bed, so only stopped when she was inches away from Natasha.
“And your code name! Van Den Berg! That is so close to your real name it’s not even funny!” Said Helga with threatening eyes in a quite tone. “All the better to fool them. They would be excepting me to change it to something completely different.” Said Natasha with a curt nod to her own action. Natasha honestly thought she had done an excellent job. “Did you even research who Amy Van Den Berg really is?”
“Yes of course, I’m not that stupid.” Natasha said as she struggles against restraints.
“Who is she then?” Natasha stopped struggling to reply.
“ft, some little model wanna be on an art website. She like writing to, but I don’t think much of her stuff.”Natasha said airily.
“Do you know anything else about her?” Asked Helga maintaining a deadly rage in her features and voice.
“Umm.. She has a sister…”
“Idiot!”Helga almost screamed but stopped herself.
“If you are going to pretend to be someone you need to know everything about them!” Helga gripped the meat clever tighter, her knuckles whitening. But Natsha wasn’t scared she didn’t think Helga would hurt her. With a crack Helga slapped Natasha across the face.
Before turning her head back to Helga Natasha looked around room 113. Blood dripped steadily from the writing on the walls. “I like what you have done with the place, very homely.” Natasha said with serenity and approval. Natsaha apparent ignorance of the pain she had just sustained seemed to annoy Helga even more.